The Permission Paradox: Why Asking for Approval Kills Agency

High-Level Topics

The difference between seeking input and seeking permission
How permission-seeking becomes a defense mechanism
The cycle of approval addiction
When collaboration crosses into abdication
Breaking free from the approval trap

Article Ideas

“You don’t need permission to live your life”
The hidden cost of asking “Is this okay?”
How seeking approval protects you from responsibility
Why high-agency people ask for forgiveness, not permission
The death of a thousand approvals

Brief Outline

Introduction

The subtle tyranny of “Can I…?” and “Is it okay if…?”
How asking permission feels safe but keeps you trapped
The paradox: seeking approval to avoid judgment ensures you’ll always be judged

Part 1: Permission vs. Input

Sales is a much more collaborative process than people would think. Most folks I talk to believe that sales is about manipulation when in reality it’s trying to solve a problem with my particular solution. It can feel manipulative because, as a seller, I don’t want users to look at other solutions, but that doesn’t mean I’m against the problem being solved at all.

One thing that new sellers do often is seek permission.

“Is it okay if we schedule a time for next week?” “Can I reach out to your coworker about this problem?” “Would it be alright if we included your broader team to make sure we’re all on the same page?”

None of these things are truly negotiable if you want to land a sale. You need to meet with prospects. You have to make sure you’re solving the right problems. And, critically, you need to make sure there’s alignment between what you’re looking to do (sell!) and what the people you’re selling to want.

What this actually needs to look like is seeking input.

“We’re free next Tuesday morning to chat. When are you free next week?” “How about I reach out to your coworker to understand where they’re feeling pain rather than make you do the guess work” “What do you think about getting your broader team team aligned with mine technical resources to make sure we’ve got all their questions answered?”

Each of these still allows a customer to push back, but gives us as sellers the ability to get input from them about why they might not want to do these things.

We do the same thing when we’re negotiating with ourselves and the things we want from the world.

The Defense Mechanism The permission-seeking we do is a form of emotional insurance. It’s a way of getting something that appears valuable without getting what we actually want.

Let’s take our simple sales example of setting a meeting. My goal is getting a call on the calendar for next week. When I ask for permission, I get a partial response. It’s perfectly valid for someone to respond, “Sure I’ll email you some times.”

That response gives you an out. You can say, “look I asked, they said yes, but they never emailed me.” It shifts blame from yourself to another when in reality you didn’t accomplish what you set out to do in the first place.

In sales, this behavior doesn’t fly for long. In fact, it’s a great way to get fired!

We should take this exact same approach when we’re bargaining with our futures. We can’t let others dictate what we accomplish. There is no false safety from outsourced decisions only the illusion of it!

…feels like something is missing here. Come back and edit later

Collaboration vs Abdication Permission is inherently an act of comprise. You put yourself in a position to immediately start bargaining. Instead of working toward your end result you have to hope you’re not fighting against a default “no” that comes with almost any ask. After all, no one wants to do excess work.

In a healthy collaborative approach there is shared decision-making while you still maintain autonomy. You do not need to wait for your partners permission to head off to the gym. Your parents don’t need to give their stamp of approval before you choose your major. Your career change doesn’t wait for an outside stamp of approval.

While there are always considerations to the choices we must make sure they’re always considered! No more,

“I want to leave my job to write a book, is that okay with you?”

and significantly more,

“I’m going to start writing my book, this is important to me. I know my job is getting in the way. What do you think about me scaling back my work hours?”

It’s critical to understand that even when we ask for input it’s just as likely we’ll hear a “no”. That’s okay! You’ll feel so much more empowered for having had the discussion at all.

Here are some simple signs you’re slipping from collaboration to abdication.

You feel resentful when they say no
You ask even when you know what you want
You’re surprised when they defer back to you

Breaking the Permission Habit Thankfully, we get a ton of opportunities to practice shifting from permission to inputs. Every time you have to choose where to go out to eat, the games you play with friends, when you meet up with family. No one really wants to make decisions for groups and so this creates an excellent, low-stakes playground for bolstering our new skill.

Obviously, you’ll need to become comfortable tolerating others’ discomfort with your decisions. They will have their own considerations to account for and talking through them is critical to cementing this as a life long skill.

Remember, every time you seek input is a victory. Our goal is to break the permission habit, not win the war of getting to choose the restaurant for the night.

You are allowed to make your own choices

Most things don’t require permission - you’ve just gotten used to asking
Start deciding, then informing
The discomfort of autonomy beats the slow death of constant approval-seeking
Your life belongs to you - stop asking others if you can live it

OUTLINE

Into

Seeking Input: “What do you think about this approach?”
Seeking Permission: “Is it okay if I do this?”
The first empowers, the second surrenders
When to consult vs. when to decide and inform
Examples: Career changes, relationship decisions, creative pursuits

Part 2: The Defense Mechanism

Permission-seeking as emotional insurance
“I asked and they said yes” shifts blame
Protecting yourself from the pain of your own mistakes
How this keeps you from learning and growing
The false safety of outsourced decisions

Part 3: The Approval Addiction Cycle

Each permission granted reinforces the need to ask again
You train others to expect deference
Your confidence in your own judgment atrophies
The spiral: less agency → less confidence → less agency
Breaking the cycle requires cold turkey, not gradual reduction

Part 4: Collaboration vs. Abdication

Healthy collaboration: shared decision-making with maintained autonomy
Abdication: transferring decision-making authority entirely
Signs you’ve crossed the line:
Reclaiming authority while maintaining relationships

Part 5: The Cost of Constant Approval-Seeking

Decision fatigue for everyone involved
Others lose respect for your judgment
You become “high maintenance” emotionally
Missed opportunities while waiting for green lights
Living a life optimized for others’ comfort, not your fulfillment

Part 6: Breaking the Permission Habit

Shift from “Can I?” to “I’m planning to…”
The 80/20 rule: Decide on 80%, consult on 20% that truly matters
Practice small acts of autonomous decision-making
Tolerate others’ discomfort with your independence
Announce decisions, don’t seek validation for them

Part 7: When Seeking Permission Is Actually Appropriate

Legal requirements and formal authorities
Shared resources and joint decisions (partners, roommates)
Organizational hierarchies with legitimate constraints
The key: know the difference between legitimate authority and manufactured obligation

Conclusion

You are allowed to make your own choices
Most things don’t require permission - you’ve just gotten used to asking
Start deciding, then informing
The discomfort of autonomy beats the slow death of constant approval-seeking
Your life belongs to you - stop asking others if you can live it